To Live or Die

I haven't been writing much lately... or doing much of anything extra.... because my sweet dog Kaj'n has needed some special TLC lately as she approaches the end of her life. Maybe it's me that needs time with her?

The first sign of her cancer showed up three years ago when she was nine. She was one of a pair. Two dogs that for the first few years were my kids. They gave me the confidence I needed to have children of my own and they gave me a clue of how much love I really had in my heart.

While Chloe was always sick with something, Kaj'n was in perfect health. That is until a little lump started to grow. Everyone said, "It's just a fatty cyst. All dogs get them." But then hers burst open and we had it removed. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. A year later another one showed up. It grew super fast and again burst open and needed medical attention. This time they also found a mass in her spleen. My husband and I weighed our options. The vet bill was outrageous and she was ten. Maybe it was her time to go. She was clearly not feeling well but she also showed so much pleasure in life and her vital signs were all strong. I wanted the operation. My husband didn't want to pay the bill. We made a deal that he would see if we could find a less expensive vet and if we did we'd have the surgery.

We found a vet who's estimate was less than half. The vet asked us if we wanted to biopsy the mass but we declined thinking that if was cancer we would most probably decline treatment any way. We would just enjoy the time we had left with her. Kaj'n bounced back immediately after surgery. Literally that day she was up wagging her tail, begging to be petted, and excited to take our family walk. Our "family" was complete again for a little while.

Half a year later and out of the blue, I noticed that Chloe had gotten extremely thin. I hadn't noticed she wasn't eating because Kaj'n and Chloe shared everything. Kaj'n was eating the food that Chloe was leaving behind. Three months went by and we lost our Chloe. I once again experienced the pain of watching a beloved pass away. I lost loved ones early in life and I'm the daughter of an orphan so death and loss was always a part of my life experience but when it's so close to you it seems to permeate everything. I struggled hard with the decision to put her to sleep. It was heartbreaking for me. I teach classes to help support women with natural birth and I was hoping for a natural death for my Chloe. On a cold winter day, she went outside to go to the bathroom and collapsed. In that moment I knew that I had already taken away her chance of a "natural" death. If I let nature take it's course, Chloe would have curled up weeks before and slipped away in a drift of snow. It was time to help her move on. It was hard but I was at peace with the choice I made for her.

I'm at that place again. I'm struggling to decide what's right for a soul I love so much. Kajn's tumors kept coming back and we found out that she has a rare cancer which produces massive tumors in her connective tissue. The tumors are like weeds. If you don't get every bit of the root out, they just come back bigger and bolder. We're past the point of surgery even though she has two tumors that probably weigh at least 10 pounds (that was the weight of the last one.) The hard part is that her mind is good. Until this week she was clearly fighting to live. Although she struggles with the weight of the tumors on her back, she pushes through and wags her tail as we walk through the woods. She looks for the sun and the breeze and for any opportunity to be petted and loved.

My heart was breaking with the thought of having to take her to the vet for her final ride. I know she's still strong enough to try to pull me back out the door like she always does. I knew if I took her to the vet, her last moments of life with me would have been in fear. I couldn't do it. So, I nursed her nasty wounds and did what I could to support her. It felt like a blessing when I found out about a woman named Tammy Wynn who changed her life to support people and pets like me. Tammy Wynn started Angel Paws to offer home pet hospice and home euthanasia. I signed up for the service knowing that Kajn's life will end soon and if she seems to be suffering I know it's up to me to release her from that. Her natural death probably would have happened at least two years ago when they took what was left of her spleen. I know that every day since then has been a bonus.

Kaj'n Today - Friday the 13th of April
I thought today would be the day. I thought today would be the day I would call Tammy to come help us move "from pain to peace" as she puts it. But I can't do it today. If Kaj'n has fought so hard to stay alive who am I to end it? It's so hard to know if I'm making the right choice. I struggle moment to moment. I pray for her to go on her own. Right now she's outside laying close to the ground as she's done for the last few days. I keep hoping she'll peacefully pass away. Often she looks like she has. But then I'll peek outside and see her with her face lifted to the sun and I can't help but wonder if our early spring was just for her to enjoy the sun and the breeze and the earth just a little while longer. She looks like she is still enjoying herself in this world. When I walk out and jangle my keys, she'll push herself up and jog as fast as she can under the 20 extra pounds to take a ride or go to the park. If tonight is like most nights, she'll cuddle up next to me and sit with the family as we watch tv or read books. She's still showing signs of life and I'm still wondering how I can support her and do the right thing for her?